omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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