I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
