Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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