i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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