I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
