I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
