im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I supernannyed him into submission
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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