wakey wakey hands off snakey
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You're like the curious george of whores
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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