Ambien. No doubt about it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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