U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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