Buhtt sex?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
