last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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