i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I will pee on everything he values.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
