So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
