Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize