I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
