Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
