Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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