Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
