all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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