My Higher Power is John Stamos
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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