Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize