Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
