I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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