guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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