I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
