I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
