I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize