Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
