Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
