whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
