if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize