Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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