i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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