If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
