Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
