God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
