What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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