Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
