you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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