Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
