woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
