That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
