How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
