I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
