Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
