why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
