Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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