I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize