I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
even my farts smell like vagina
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
