I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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