My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
