I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
