her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
